bringing out the white flag

i really don't know what to write but i felt like going online and reviving this blog by writing whatever. for the past months, i've been out and about getting work done. every time i get the chance to rest, even just for a few hours, i fill it in by keeping myself busy so as to avoid thinking about personal concerns that i must reflect on. i cannot really, really rest because that means i have to relax, be quiet, and stop moving about. usually, when i do this, all the other issues that i set aside because of work start resurfacing.

i kinda learned to be comfortable with silence. KINDA. when i was younger, i get anxious when everything's still. it's an acquired thing, i guess. growing up in a rather "noisy" family, i find it odd when i don't hear anything but myself - my breathing, my feelings, my thoughts. but the old self never completely dies, so they say. it just lies dormant. and for the past week, i can say that i am so back to who i was before - somebody who finds silence deafening.

when i'm caught in a dilemma, i normally try to resolve it on my own. but what always happens when i do this is that i get even more confused. i rationalize big time and i end up with so many options i do not know what to pick. so i ask friends. or better yet i lock myself up in my own twisted little world, and mask the noise of these dilemmas by making or listening to other noises. it's like turning up the volume of my music player to drown the bothersome noise of the pouring rain. it's appeasing... to some degree. but then, there comes a point in time when i can only obscure personal noises so much. there are things beyond my control that quiets everything down, leaving me with nothing to listen to but myself.

at this point, i still do not want to be quiet. my personal noises are far more grating, i'd rather that everything around me is loud and piercing. but my music player's now broken and i can no longer block out the sound of the downpour, more so the chattering of my mind and heart. i guess it's time. it's time for me to just let the rain bother me out of my wits, and to let my mind and heart converse to their content. like what my good friend always says, just be still and keep breathing. the rain will eventually stop, and the mind and the heart will soon arrive at a consensus anyway. i hope it happens sooner though.

i am mamaru
but i need to listen too.