when the mamaru is just what she is...a mamaru.

having this blog, apparently, is my way of compensating for my feelings of intellectual inadequacy. i'm back in this mosh pit where i let myself get trampled upon by my own critical self.

i suck at doing my OWN research. i've been writing and rewriting my MS thesis for the past couple of years. i remember the time when i was still so in love with this study. my eyes would glimmer every time i explain it to other people. and then came the nerve-wracking proposal defense, seemingly endless revisions, physically and emotionally battering data collection and data analysis, frustrating consultations, another stressful defense, and one more round (hopefully it's the last) of revisions. the process just sucked the positivity out of me and my faith in this study.

this crappy study strains my sense of competence. and from this, a tiny ball of self-pity starts snowballing, rolling over my teaching skills, my poor memory, and my limited communication skills, among many others.

i just want to get this OVER and DONE with so i can, at long last graduate, discern, move on, and find my niche where i will feel useful, well-compensated, and most of all COMPETENT. as of the moment, being in school- whether as a student or as a teacher, isn't really THE niche that i have in mind.

i am mamaru.
period.