today, i aint a mamaru but a dodo.

i know clearly what i need to do. but how to actually do it? that is the question.

oh the ironies of life. why is it so hard, so painful to do the right thing? :(

i am mamaru.
but not today.

bringing out the white flag

i really don't know what to write but i felt like going online and reviving this blog by writing whatever. for the past months, i've been out and about getting work done. every time i get the chance to rest, even just for a few hours, i fill it in by keeping myself busy so as to avoid thinking about personal concerns that i must reflect on. i cannot really, really rest because that means i have to relax, be quiet, and stop moving about. usually, when i do this, all the other issues that i set aside because of work start resurfacing.

i kinda learned to be comfortable with silence. KINDA. when i was younger, i get anxious when everything's still. it's an acquired thing, i guess. growing up in a rather "noisy" family, i find it odd when i don't hear anything but myself - my breathing, my feelings, my thoughts. but the old self never completely dies, so they say. it just lies dormant. and for the past week, i can say that i am so back to who i was before - somebody who finds silence deafening.

when i'm caught in a dilemma, i normally try to resolve it on my own. but what always happens when i do this is that i get even more confused. i rationalize big time and i end up with so many options i do not know what to pick. so i ask friends. or better yet i lock myself up in my own twisted little world, and mask the noise of these dilemmas by making or listening to other noises. it's like turning up the volume of my music player to drown the bothersome noise of the pouring rain. it's appeasing... to some degree. but then, there comes a point in time when i can only obscure personal noises so much. there are things beyond my control that quiets everything down, leaving me with nothing to listen to but myself.

at this point, i still do not want to be quiet. my personal noises are far more grating, i'd rather that everything around me is loud and piercing. but my music player's now broken and i can no longer block out the sound of the downpour, more so the chattering of my mind and heart. i guess it's time. it's time for me to just let the rain bother me out of my wits, and to let my mind and heart converse to their content. like what my good friend always says, just be still and keep breathing. the rain will eventually stop, and the mind and the heart will soon arrive at a consensus anyway. i hope it happens sooner though.

i am mamaru
but i need to listen too.

magsulat at magbasa.

gusto ko na.

i am mamaru.
and i miss doing the basics -
reading and writing.

when the mamaru is just what she is...a mamaru.

having this blog, apparently, is my way of compensating for my feelings of intellectual inadequacy. i'm back in this mosh pit where i let myself get trampled upon by my own critical self.

i suck at doing my OWN research. i've been writing and rewriting my MS thesis for the past couple of years. i remember the time when i was still so in love with this study. my eyes would glimmer every time i explain it to other people. and then came the nerve-wracking proposal defense, seemingly endless revisions, physically and emotionally battering data collection and data analysis, frustrating consultations, another stressful defense, and one more round (hopefully it's the last) of revisions. the process just sucked the positivity out of me and my faith in this study.

this crappy study strains my sense of competence. and from this, a tiny ball of self-pity starts snowballing, rolling over my teaching skills, my poor memory, and my limited communication skills, among many others.

i just want to get this OVER and DONE with so i can, at long last graduate, discern, move on, and find my niche where i will feel useful, well-compensated, and most of all COMPETENT. as of the moment, being in school- whether as a student or as a teacher, isn't really THE niche that i have in mind.

i am mamaru.
period.

my nominees for "the emerging influential blogs writing project"

i am a blog-hopper. i go from one blog to another. then again, there are a very few blogs that i frequent. and with the very many blog sites mushrooming in cyberspace, only a handful make me linger on their turfs, and really make me want to read their entries. i pick blogs based on site appearance, themes, the authors' fluency in writing, and more importantly the relevance of their entries in my life...

here are my nominees for ms. janette toral's project: top 10 emerging influential blogs writing project. please vote for them too! :)

Fat Girl No More - teacher ria braves two of the most difficult things to do: to manage weight and to inspire others to do the same. :)

The Accidental Teacher - teacher ria isn't only a teacher to her students but to her fellow teachers as well.

i've recently discovered the following blogs thru a friend! :) i am also voting for...
NomNom Club
Surviving Autism
Christian Homeschooler

This big-time project is sponsored by: Events and Corporate Video, Budget hotel in Makati, Pinoy Party Food, Copyediting Services, PR Agency Philippines, Budget Travel Philippines, Send Gifts to the Philippines, Black Friday Deals, Roomrent - units for rent, Search Profile Index, and Corporate Events Organizer.


that's it! :) time for me to go blog hop-hop-hoppin'! :)

self-preservation

define SELF-PRESERVATION.

according to me, SELF-PRESERVATION (n.) is an act of avoiding and/or feigning annoyance or indifference (towards a person or a situation) to keep the self from becoming more and more emotionally attached. usually, the attachment here is perceived as inappropriate.

in a sentence: "___, I think I shouldn't hangout with you as often. I might fall and fall hard. I sure don't want to get hurt. Might as well stay away... It's a self-preservation thing."

i am mamaru.
and i just found out
that this self-preservation thing
is actually heartbreaking...

nostalgia.

dear little one,

i saw your picture posted on the Web today. you are such a charming little tot. :) your features are a combination of your parents'. i think most of the charm that you exude, though, came from your dad. i guess a lot of people already told you that you have your daddy's beautiful almond-shaped eyes. i recognize the same droop and the long lashes because many years back, i looked deeply into your father's entrancing eyes.

you are beautiful, kid. you are a testament of your father's unshakable love for your mother, and of your mother's unfaltering faith in that love.

may you grow up to be just like your father - smart, very artistic, strong-willed, faithful... but when you're bigger, say 20-something or older, please try your best not to break a girl's heart. do not look at her intently, say "i cannot leave you behind..." and then just walk away... because you see, my dear, the pain that that moment brought is something that nobody would want to suffer.

anyway, take good care of your mom and dad. knowing them, i'm pretty sure that they are giving their all to become the best parents they can be to you. :)

xo,
your dad's little miss

i am mamaru.
and i know that i fell
(in many different ways one could fall)
a long time ago.

breaking a habit.

they say, "it only takes 21 days to break a habit."

i say, CRAP.

i am mamaru.
but i have very low EQ.

so over.

i learned that it is truly possible to sincerely, completely get over an ex.

i just saw some pictures of my ex with his current girlfriend. every image spells L-O-V-E, CHEESE. hehe! :) i found myself saying, "aaaww, how cute. they look so happy together!" that is without having to convince myself that they do look good as a couple. and then i realized, boy oh boy, it's really possible to absolutely, absolutely come to terms with the person whom you loved for so long and who soonafter (fortunately) broke your heart. by absolutely, i mean no ill feelings, no sadness, not even a hint of bitternass.

my ex and i, we've been good friends for about a year now. we resealed the friendship 5 years after the break up. it's all good. time heals all wounds, so they say. and it did. letting go, moving on, getting over, and finally realizing that you successfully did 'em all is nothing but liberating. :)

**to eks & his trulabs... all the best! KAMPAI! :)**

i am mamaru.
and i know that you'll get over
your heartbreak sh*t soon.

nothing 'JUST happens'

"Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it," and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one."

~Alice, CLOSER

i am mamaru.
and i know that Alice is right -
nothing, nothing JUST happens.

what i know about goodbye...

is that it is NEVER easy to say even if you've said it several times...




i am mamaru.
and i know how painful goodbyes are.

☻

WELCOME 2010! ☻

...and welcome to the mamaru's turf. ;) i will probably post my first mamaru entry this week. in the meantime, do check out the gadgets on my sidebar for some random facts, motivational quotes, and chow tips from fellow mamaru's. hehe! :)

*shinnnnng!*
those are good vibes for y'all!